wandering...

there is this filter that usually exists somewhere between my head and the rest of the world.  it lets in somethings and lets out some things, but usually does a good job of keeping the peace.  it broke today...

hopefully sleeping tonight will be as healing as they say it is...because i feel like a horrible person since about mid day. 

now the interesting question is...is this really me?  or is it a part of me that i have to learn to live with...

hulu was finally kind enough to allow me to watch the first episode of Glee. sometimes it is the smallest things that remind you about yourself. never having a good voice, i rarely sing anything for any reason...but this show reminds me of how much i love to hear singing and music.

volunteering at the community theater back in...a long time ago was such a busy but happy time for me. I got to see people perform and hear music and singing 3 nights a week for a month...4 times a year. Hiding up on the rail backstage...it was the best seat in the place to watch over everything and let the world wash away for a few hours.

the show tells me to do what i love...what ever that may be...yet i do not remember what that is anymore. i should start reading again i think...it has been a while.

something is missing.  something i had before...i think...and it has gone away.  unable to describe that which is lost, mostly because it is not something that can be found lying around on the ground, does not help the cause. 

wow, thinking about stuff late at night is not a good pastime for me.

sacrifice or lack of strength
understanding or undecided
flexible or non committal
quiet or scared
determined or stubborn
the list can go on for a while...

hit another moment where i considered using my simple, basic, 3 step process to get through the confusion...

1. find wall
2. hit head against wall
3. repeat step 1 and 2 until it makes sense or you are out cold

this was shortly followed by a wtf have i done in the last 12 years moment...which made me think about starting at step 1.

i am very happy for all of the wonderful people i have been lucky enough to know throughout my life so far, they are all doing well in their own way.  with any luck i will continue to meet people that i can enjoy being around and learn something from.  kinda wish i did well in a school environment...i think that could make a big difference in my life choices...

for what ever reason, i like to watch musicals.  mostly the TV versions, since i do not get out to the theater much.
grease
west side story
flower drum song
annie
showboat
chicago
the list goes on for a while...

this brings me to "Mamma Mia!" which i just recently saw some of.  i guess i have to admit that i like ABBA too at this point >.<

anyway, during the show they reach a part where the young lady getting married is confused beyond reason about who she should ask to give her away at her wedding. she has three maybe fathers that all want to do it, but she could not figure out what to do.  she seemed to finally see that it had to be her mother, the only real parent she had her whole life.  and then it hit me...

when my sister gets married, our father will not be there to give her away...

and then i cried...

sit down and prepare yourself for a trip that you may not want to take...because it breaks open parts of your heart and your mind which have not been dusted off for some time.  torrential downpour is scheduled for later...perhaps...but be aware and tread lightly, do not slip and fall along the way. 

take your favorite massive online networking site, which ever flavor you choose, and find some of your friends.  have a look see at their friends, some of which you will know.  they will lead you to other misplaced names and faces...ones that will spark memories that may send you through every documented emotion, and a few that can not even be recognized or put to words. 

i took a little trip there myself a while ago, and found so many people... like pieces of my heart that were missing for ages...which reminded me of who i am.  each person i ran across, they had the same smile i remembered.  so many of them had their own families, new faces in the world with smiles that reflect those that i remembered making everything shine brighter.  it was nice...and i will travel there again some time.

a few tears, and some of those memories slip back away... a few more and faces fade, smiles shining in the night.  voices trail away, laughter and stories that will be remembered again some day. 

i can not do this every night, but once in a while...it is nice to go and visit memories

hearing more about dreams lately, i started looking more at things that friends have remembered about their dreams and how they felt through it all.  it seems that many of them have had dreams where they were vividly aware that they were dreaming, and became more of an active part in the dream.

instead of watching what was happening, some of them feel like they were controlling what was going on in their dream.  interacting with the world instead of the world acting to drive them the way it wanted.  it spooks me that we can control things while we are asleep, or at least our mind can make us feel in control.

recently a restless night produced a strange series of events in my dreams, and for what ever reason each time i thought i passed back out i was thrown back into the same storyline in my dream...like i wanted or needed it to play out before i could wake up.  i do not think that i controlled anything at all that night, just followed the script and played my role in what ever production was taking place. 

it makes me wonder if you see your true self in dreams.  you have nothing to hide from yourself...for the most part...so is what you see truly what you are made of?  when the lights went out on the street and i was getting chased...was that my fears?  getting beat up trying to help a friend...was that how i would handle the situation?  what in the world am i supposed to learn about myself from these things that go on in my head.  it isn't just entertainment...i hope...

for the last two months i have been on an emotional and mental roller coaster ride that has broken away my once strong emotional armor and most of my plans and dreams for the future.  i have had to reassess so much so quickly, and even now i avoid making decisions that have been too long in waiting.  yet the world spins, time turns over to a new day, and i wake to a world that is different than i last left it...how am i expected to have some sense of control when i know that everything goes on and it takes me along with it.

that leaves me here at 3:45ish attempting for the second time to make some sense of what it is keeping me awake tonight.  the time zone shift...bad pizza...memories...and a host of equally likely offenders has me here at the keys.

Little Brother

Cory Doctorow

it has been over 2 weeks since i requested to go home to take care of things. there were 3 separate instances where my boss has asked if i had everything settled, and i told him that it was not because the office was waiting for his approval.  3 times, and it never went anywhere...

so yesterday when the office asked if i had everything sorted, i told them that last i heard they were waiting on approval from the boss to get the tickets.  the lady said still waiting??  let me check into this.  i got back to the apartments to see that yes, it is finally approved.  finally....

so i get to travel 20ish hours to get home for a weekend, and then 20 hours back.  should be well worth the effort though.

one of these days i think i need to get it to the point where i have control of things like this, because waitiing for someone to tell me that i can go home is not fun.

Which off-the-air television show would you like to see revived?

I still miss watching Firefly.  It was different enough that I do not think enough people watched it for it to do well, but the slowly progressing storyline was introducing us to the little ticks and tocks of each character just a bit more than a lot of shows.  Maybe too much character development with no clear path on the storyline made it a hard sell...

For more strangeness, look up Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog ^^b